Puppet Mommy

No secret I had a child when I was 18.  I did not know how to react to being a young mother so naturally I engrossed myself in it and only spent time with him.  I thought that was what you were supposed to do.  No one schooled me on how to not lose myself in motherhood.  I missed out on my early 20s of running wild, screwing guys (although I did my fair share in high school, hence why I had a baby at 18) fucking up, making mistakes, meeting awesome people that would teach me new things about life and just finding myself.  Instead for an entire year all I knew was breast feeding and baby talk.  I ditched my friends because how could a mother party like that, not to mention I couldn't drink unless I wanted Colin to go through alcohol withdrawl at 4 mths.  I became depressed, all the while losing who I was.  Now don't get me wrong I do not regret keeping the baby, he is the apple of my eye, but I just wished someone was there to guide me along the way.  After a year I decided to go back to college, finish my nursing degree and get the fuck out of my parents house.  Did that, done.  Still lonely.  WTF. Then Colin started to get older, he wanted to hang out with friends, the leash was being detangled little by little.  I sat back and asked myself "Who am I?" Yea I am a mother, yea I am a nurse, yea I am a sister but really who am I?  It is by far one of the simplest/hardest questions you can ask yourself and I didnt have an answer. So after that, I broke up with the baby's father and decided it was time to find me, the real me, not this facade of who I presented myself to be.  I got in contact with my friends, started doing things I enjoyed and yet I was still scared I was doing something wrong.  Why? Because society shows you that to be a good mother you stay at home, raise the children, drive a minivan with a "My child is an Honor Student at blah blah blah bumper sticker, have dinner on the table at 6:00, clean the house you pay a mortgage on, be a chauffeur and take your kids to band practice and baseball tryouts and play dates, have family vacations on the beach, knit, drink tea, wear mommy jeans, complain about not being able to lose the baby fat 15 years later, talk to neighborhood mothers about renovating your kitchen, never have sex with your husband because the kids are in the next room, and go to bed by 9:00 to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.  BORING!! I'm sorry but I just would rather sit in a bathtub of battery acid then do that day in and day out. But does that make me a bad mother? NO! That is what I have finally realized after 7 years of playing into that warped idea of what a mother should be.  So I now continue on my journey of finding myself as well as helping an incredible little boy find his place in the world as well.